How Do You Start A Restorative Conversation?
How to Start a Restorative Conversation
“When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.” Marshall Rosenberg, Founder of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
Restorative conversations are a powerful way to improve communication, resolve conflict, and strengthen relationships—whether you’re working with students, colleagues, or the entire school community. They offer a way to address harm, rebuild trust, and promote accountability while encouraging empathy and deeper understanding.
But let’s be honest: starting a restorative conversation, whether with a student or a coworker, can feel a bit intimidating. It takes intention, interpersonal communication strategies, and most importantly, a calm and reflective mindset to convey compassion.
In this blog, we’ll break down what restorative conversations are, how to have a restorative conversation with a student or coworker, the restorative questions that provide a script for restorative conversations, and why Restorative Practices Training is key to building these skills.
What Is a Restorative Conversation?
A restorative conversation is a dialogue aimed at addressing harm, understanding its impact, and collaboratively finding ways to repair relationships and repair harm. Restorative conversations emphasize reflection, accountability, empathy, and connection.
Restorative conversations can take different forms depending on the situation:
Curbside Conversations: These are brief, informal chats designed to surface underlying feelings and needs. They involve components such as expressing observations and feelings, asking open-ended questions, and listening actively.
Restorative Conversations Using the Restorative Questions: These are slightly more formal and guided by a set of restorative questions that serve as a script, tailored to address harm and its impact. These conversations aim to elicit reflection, encourage empathy, and create a path forward.
Why Restorative Conversations Matter
In relationships, the little things matter. A small slight, an unresolved misunderstanding, or a passing moment of frustration can seem insignificant—but left unaddressed, these moments pile up and can lead to hurt feelings. When we finally address a conflict, we’re not just responding to one issue; we’re reacting to a pattern of 25 unresolved moments. We see big rifts between staff in school: a grade band of teachers upset with support staff or administration because of differences in opinion over how to handle student behavior. If we took the time to have the conversations earlier, we wouldn’t have the breaks in relationships we see so often.
Restorative Conversations are also an important addition to traditional responses to misbehavior in schools. Traditional discipline doesn’t need to be eliminated, but making sure that students understand the impact of their behavior helps them develop empathy. And just as important, students who were harmed need to develop the skills to share their thoughts, feelings, and needs directly! Don’t you wish you had that practice when you were young? We do!
What Are the Five Restorative Questions?
Restorative conversations are often guided by a set of structured questions designed to encourage reflection, accountability, and a greater understanding of the root causes of a conflict or incident. These 5 steps of restorative questions can be used in various situations, whether addressing harm caused or harm experienced.
Questions for Those Who Caused Harm:
What happened?
What were you thinking at the time?
What have you thought about since?
Who has been affected by what you’ve done, and in what way?
What do you think you need to do to make things right?
Questions for Those Who Were Harmed:
What did you think when you realized what had happened?
What impact has this incident had on you and others?
What has been the hardest thing for you?
What do you think you need to make things right?
These questions are not just for students—they’re equally effective for mediating conflicts or addressing misunderstandings in adult-to-adult relationships. By focusing on emotions, impact, and repair, these questions transform the way we approach conflict resolution, especially when individuals have different reactions to the same event.
How Do You Start a Restorative Conversation?
“Speak when you are angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Groucho Marx
That quote explains why CSC’s first three steps in any restorative process are to Calm Self, Calm Other, and Reflect. This framework helps set the stage for meaningful and productive conversations. A rushed or poorly timed attempt can do more harm than good, especially if emotions are running high. Here are some steps to set the stage for success:
Calm Yourself FirstNeuroscience supports this wisdom. Bruce Perry, a leading expert in trauma-informed practices, explains that when we’re dysregulated, our brains struggle to think clearly, let alone engage empathetically. Taking a moment to pause and regulate yourself is the critical first step before addressing a situation.
Ensure the Other Person is CalmJust as important as your own regulation is ensuring that the other person is ready to engage. If emotions are heightened, start with simple de-escalation strategies—lower your voice, minimize talking, mirror calm body language, or even suggest taking a break to regroup.
Reflect and Address NeedsThink about the situation from all angles. What are the root causes? What role might you have played? Reflecting on your actions and motivations can help you approach the conversation with humility and openness. Additionally, consider how to address needs by guiding individuals through resolving conflicts and repairing harm caused by their actions. This fosters empathy and responsibility.
Start with Curiosity and EmpathyWhen you initiate the conversation, focus on listening rather than responding. Ask open-ended questions that encourage sharing and avoid blaming statements.
Speak from the Heart
Sharing your feelings and needs authentically can set the tone for mutual vulnerability. By modeling openness, you decrease the likelihood that they’ll get defensive or attack, and you create a safe space for honest dialogue.
“The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness.” Brené Brown.
Why Restorative Practices Training is Important
Restorative conversations require skill, practice, and, often, unlearning old habits of communication.
Unfortunately, many of us haven’t been taught how to have hard conversations—whether with students, colleagues, or even in our personal lives. Finding common ground during these conversations is crucial for identifying fair solutions and preventing future conflicts.
This is why high-quality restorative practice training for educators is important.
Training provides:
Practice Opportunities: Having difficult conversations is hard. Training sessions give educators a chance to practice with guidance and feedback.
Community Agreements and Norms: Clear norms around communication make it easier to initiate and sustain Restorative Practices in schools.
Communication Strategies: Tools for interpersonal communication like Affective Statements, Curbside Conversations, and Restorative Questions and Scripts are explicitly taught and practiced.
Shoot Us an Email!
Hard conversations are exactly that—hard. But with the right training, educators can learn to navigate these moments with grace and follow through on their own promises.
At CSC, we specialize in Restorative Practices training that equips educators with the tools and practice that build confidence. Our training sessions are highly interactive, tailored to your needs, and rooted in evidence-based practices.
Contact us today to learn more about our training options and how we can support your school’s journey. Let’s build stronger schools, one conversation at a time.